nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
