man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
