I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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