I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
