my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
