i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
