Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
