sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
