Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
