you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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