this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
