Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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