I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
