Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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