You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
