I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
