I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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