Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
