There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
