I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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