Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
