If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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