Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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