I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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