I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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