I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
