There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
