Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
