i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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