Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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