Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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