Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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