I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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