dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Randomize
