Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
