My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
