You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
