while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
