It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
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We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
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You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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