I accidentally had phone sex last night
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
