Ambien. No doubt about it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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