then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
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shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
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Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
is it fun? or sober?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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