I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
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I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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