Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
