The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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