Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
