I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
