Just took my morning after pill in the library
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
