I'm lost and stupid without you.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
