Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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