Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
