Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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