I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
