So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
