why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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