I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
