Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
it hurts more in the daytime
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
