my room smells like sperm. sweet.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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