I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
