my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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