the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I have fence marks all over my body
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
