dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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