It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
